VARIETY CLUB BINGO 2

Return to the Variety Club Gordon Cragg gallery.

Gordon Cragg ace bingo caller in action.

OUR FAVORATE NUMBERS

This rather pointless text is a rough transcript of the routines associated with certain numbers during the calling of bingo at the Variety. It captures nothing of Gordon’s innate humour nor of the anarchic atmosphere generated in the club during the game.

On it’s own and all alone number one.
“Poor bastard”

On it’s own number two. Quack quack quack quack quack.
(Oz runs on stage with a ventriloquists duck. The duck muzzles up to a first member of the audience before assaulting a second. Oz retreats with the duck to the back left hand side of the stage. Gordon launches into a prolonged squawk. The duck slowly turns it’s head from Oz to Gordon and then back to Oz trembling.)

On it’s own number eight. One fat lady.
“Shelia, Shelia, Shelia.”
Not my Shelia, she’s lost eight pounds this week. I told her not to back that horse.
Oz “Tell ‘em how long you’ve been married”
We’ve been married fiftytwo years in December, and in all that time we’ve only spoken four words. I will and fuck off. I recon we got them the wrong way round.

On it’s own number nine.
“What was that number”
Nine, na- ei-na-eh, spelt backwards eh-na-ei-na.
(Whatever number follows.)
“Spell that bastard”
No one can spell that in Nottingham.

Number ten, Downing street.
“Bomb the bastard, bomb the bastard, oi, oi, oi.”
Lets get that Yassir Arrafat in there.

(Any other number ending in 0)
Two oh, two oh, two fuddle oh
(now accompanied by the audience who also tap their beer glasses with their pens)
Two oh, two oh, it’s off to work we go
Two oh, two oh, two oh, two oh
Two oh, two oh, two oh, two oh

All the twos, quack, quack, quack, quack.
(Oz rushes on stage with two ventriloquists ducks)

Five and eight, fiftyeight.
“Where’s five and nine”
How the fudd should I know.

Five and nine, the brighton line, woa woa.
(accompanied by the audience)
Last train to San Fernando, Last train to San Fernando
And if you miss, this one, you’ll never get another one
Biddy biddy bum bum to San Fernando.
(Oz plays a bit of the record)
“Gordon, what was the last number?”
What was the last number?
“Five and nine.”
Five and nine the Brighton line woa woa.
(accompanied by the audience)
Last train to San Fernando, Last train to San Fernando
And if you miss, this one, you’ll never get another one
Biddy biddy bum bum to San Fernando.
(Oz plays a bit of the record)
“Gordon, when did Forest last win the F.A cup.”
When did Forest win the cup? Nineteen fiftynine, woa woa.
(accompanied by the audience)
Last train to San Fernando, Last train to San Fernando
And if you miss, this one, you’ll never get another one
Biddy biddy bum bum to San Fernando.
(Oz plays a bit of the record)
“Gordon what’s half of a hundred and eighteen?”
Half of a hundred and eighteen is five and nine, woa woa.
(accompanied by the audience)
Last train to San Fernando, Last train to San Fernando
And if you miss, this one, you’ll never get another one
Biddy biddy bum bum to San Fernando.
(The length of this loop varies)

Six and eight sixtyeight.
“I’ll owe you one.”
Owe him one Tony I’m not playing.

Six and nine, sixtynine.
“Dirty bastard, dirty bastard, oi, oi, oi.”
Dirty bastard! Not me. You girls know I prefer the real thing. There’s no substitute for want you girls have got between your thighs. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Seven and six. Now then lads, was she worth it?
“Was she fuddle hell.”
(To the tune of “here we go” audience and Gordon together)
Fuddle hell, fuddle hell, fuddle hell
Fuddle hell, fuddle hell, fuddle hell
Fuddle hell, fuddle hell, fuddle hell
Fuddle hell, fuddle hell
Ere Oz, did that Charlotte Church make a single of that?

All the eights, eightyeight. Tow fat ladies, two fat ladies, oi, oi, oi.
“Shelia, Shelia, Shelia.”
Don’t listen to ‘em Shelia. You’re still as beautiful to me as you where fifty years ago. Oz where’s my guide dog.

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